You know those Olafson twins sometimes cause a heap o' trouble.
That's the boy and girl whose dad is a game-warden,
And whose mother is a veterinarian.
Well, one time their mother brought home an orphaned chimp.

Now, the twins were real good about helping to care for him.
He was still young and had a good disposition,
Especially since they doted on him like he was a baby brother.
Those two kids used to dress him up in cowboy outfits and whatever.

Now, the Joneses lived not too far down the road,
But far enough so that they didn't see the kids playing
With their little furry primate friend.
There's a feedlot for cattle out back of the Joneses' house.

That's 'cause there's a railway siding there
For livestock waiting to be hauled to new owners or to market.
Sometimes kids, including the twins
Would bicycle past there to take a gander at the cattle.

Mrs. Jones, whose husband is away a lot on business,
Used to fuss at kids that they should be somewhere's else,
Instead of "bothering" the cattle by looking at them.
Mr. Jones didn't mind, though, and would treat them kindly.

One time that summer, Mr. Jones was away again,
And Mrs. Jones was scolding the twins for looking at the cows.
"Now, go on, git!," she said curtly, "I've got to get back inside
To watch that program coming on TV about cattle mutilations!"

The twins went on home and watched the show there,
With their little hairy buddy, the orphaned chimp.
Mrs. Jones was plumb addicted to shows about UFOs,
Crop-circles, mysterious cattle mutilations, and like that.

The show depicted little spacemen in silvery suits
Picking out a target cow from aloft in their flying-saucer,
And then using a hand-held laser scalpel or something
To take out various parts of the cow for strange and unknown purposes.

The little chimp liked the show, and was imitating what he saw on TV.
This gave those twins a fiendishly clever idea
On how to get even with the inhospitable Mrs. Jones.
After the show was over, they started "arts and crafts."

They made a spaceman costume for their little friend
Out of clothing to which they had attached aluminum foil.
They had a Plexiglas fake space helmet which fit
The chimp real good, and which allowed him to breathe.

In fact, the bottom half of the front of the helmet
Had been made fully open to allow for talking and breathing.
They rigged-up some light-emitting diodes
Onto the helmet to flash on and off at random.

For such a quick project, it was right good,
And right purty too, so they decided that
As soon as it got dark enough, Mrs. Jones was
Going to get an unexpected visitor from the stars!

Now, they knew that Mr. Jones was gone,
And that he always locked up all the fire-arms
Whenever he was going to be away,
Because he thought Mrs. Jones was too excitable.

So, they knew that the little chimp wouldn't get shot,
Or even shot at. And they knew that Mrs. Jones
Didn't have a heart-condition or anything like that,
So she might get scared, but wouldn't drop dead or nothin'.

That night, they sneaked out with their furry friend
To pay a surprise visit to the always-complaining Mrs. Jones.
They also took along biodegradable, sparkley glitter,
And gave some to the chimp, and kept some for themselves.

Mrs. Jones was washing dishes when she heard strange noises.
A plane was going overhead, and made the other noises
Sound even stranger. It sounded like something really weird!
The window in the kitchen faced the back, but she saw nothing.

Nothing except the lights of the plane, which were distant now.
She went outside cautiously, and heard more strange noises.
"Whirrrrr! Whirrrrr! Bzzzzz! Bzzzzz!"
"Beep! Beep! Wooo-wooo-wooo! Beepity-beep!"

The sound-effects were stored on a kids' game about UFOs.
It was hand-held, and you could even make it play any sounds
It had on it that you wanted to It was proving real useful.
Mrs. Jones carefully sneaked around the side of the barn.

Then she saw something that near froze her blood!
A little figure in a silvery-looking suit was looking at the cattle,
Who seemed completely unconcerned about their visitor.
She then saw the tiny being hold up a little box whose lid it flipped open.

"Just like on the TV!," she whispered to herself.
The kids could hear her, and it was all they could do
To keep from laughing out loud.
"It's using some super-scientific, alien analyzer!"

She sneaked back to the house and left the screen-door unlocked.
The kids got themselves near the screen-door ,
So they heard her call over to the Sheriff's Office.
"Is the Sheriff there?" she asked in hushed tones.

"No, ma'am, he's out investigating a rowdy party
Clear over to the other end of the County,"
Said the Deputy. "Can I help you with something?"
"Is the Sous-Sheriff in?," she asked, almost in a whisper.

"No, ma'am, the Under-Sheriff's supervising a sobriety check-point
Over to where Miller Road meets the County line.
Is this Mrs. Jones? It sounds like you. Could you
Please speak up, ma'am. I'm having a hard time hearing you."

"Yes, it's Mrs. Jones. Over to the feedlot on the railway spur."
"How can I be of assistance to you, ma'am? Is anything wrong?"
She paused a moment, then said, "There's a space-critter in the feedlot!
I don't know how many of them there are. I only saw one so far."

Now, the Deputy, like everybody else, knew she didn't drink liquor.
He also was pretty sure she never took illegal drugs of any kind.
And since she always helped out at police charity benefits,
He tried to be as diplomatic as possible, given the circumstances.

"What kind of space-critter is it, exactly, Mrs. Jones?"
"Well, I don't know exactly, but it's a bipedal humanoid."
"'A bipedal humanoid.' O.K., I'm writing everything down."
He also had the tape-recorder system on since the call had started.

"It's a little fella, but he's got some kind of super-scientific,
Alien technological devices with him. On a belt. He and the other ones
Must be examining the cows. I'm afraid of what they're going to do."
"What is it that you're afraid they're going to do, ma'am?"

"Why, I'm afraid they're going to perpetrate hideous, mysterious
Cattle mutilations, that's what! They must've teleported down
From the mother-ship. I saw the lights off in the distance.
Send somebody out right quick! I'm scared!"

"Ma'am, calm down. I can't get anyone there right now.
Some other officers are going to be reporting in for duty
In a few minutes, and then I can come down there myself
With some of them. Would that be all right?"

"I reckon so. How long will it take you to get here?"
"Uh, probably fifteen to twenty minutes. We have to
Leave some officers here in case anything happens somewhere else.
Maybe you should, uh, take some pictures."

"That's a good idea, Deputy! I was so scared, I didn't think of that!
There's a camera in a drawer of a desk in my husband's office here.
I hope you do only take fifteen to twenty minutes to get here.
I have no idea what that space-critter or the other ones might do."

She hung-up the phone, went to her husband's office
In the front part of the house, and got out the camera.
Now, what she didn't know was that the old-timey watch
That was there in the drawer next to it, was special.

It had numbers on it painted in radioactive radium paint.
It had been sitting next to that camera for a long time.
Pay attention, now, 'cause that's gonna be important later.
Also, she accidentally rewound the film.

That film already had some out-of-focus pictures of Christmas lights,
Which the twins remembered Mr. Jones had had them take.
They knew, because he had said he would get that roll developed
That past winter, but had forgotten to.

They ran and hid before she could exit through the back door again.
Camera in hand, she bravely, but still afraid, stalked the wily space-critter.
She knew her husband favored fast film, good for dim light.
She hoped it would work well enough to document the weirdness.

The bright full moon cast an eerie light upon the scene.
Then she saw the space-critter! The tiny figure was next to another cow!
She snapped a picture. Then another.
While she was occupied, the kids spread a little bit of glitter here and there.

Then the chimp pulled out a futuristic-looking toy cell-phone.
He pantomimed speaking to someone with it.
"It's talking to the mother-ship!," she exclaimed half-aloud.
She took pictures. Then the chimp walked over to another cow.

He put away the "communicator" and pulled out another toy.
This one was a flashlight with a red plastic translucent "beam."
When he turned it on, she thought it looked like a laser-scalpel!
"He's gonna mutilate that cow!," she whispered to herself.

In a totally unexpected move, the chimp jumped onto the back of the cow!
Now he was pretending he was a bull-rider, like the ones he'd seen on TV.
Then he started doing a little dance on the cow's back.
The cow didn't seem to mind. It just "mooed" a tiny bit.

"He's using some kind of tranquilizer energy field,
To keep the cattle from going nuts!"
She was making mental notes to herself,
But saying them above a whisper.

The chimp sprinkled some of the glitter and jumped
Onto yet another cow. He then played with the "laser" toy again.
"He's done levitated himself onto another helpless heifer!"
She snapped some pictures. "He's gonna take organs outta her!"

She sneaked back into the house and got onto the phone.
"Deputy," she asked, "when are you-all going to get here?
They're getting ready to mutilate some cattle! It's horrible!"
"Ma'am, we're leaving right now," the officer assured her.

The kids knew they needed a big finale,
So they had the chimp stand in the back doorway while she wasn't looking.
As soon as she turned to the back door, she saw "it" standing there.
Unthinkingly, she snapped a picture of him framed there.

"Uuu, uuu!," he grunted. "You want to talk to me?," she asked.
"Well, if you want to talk to me, Mr. Spaceman,
Don't hurt any of them cattle!"
The little boy had secretly studied ventriloquism.

So, he took over "speaking" for the chimp.
"Earth woman, my translator device will speak in your language.
None of us will hurt those four-legged animals.
We are only studying them. We mean you no harm."

"Well, do you have some message for me?," she asked.
"Yes. We want you to tell people that everyone
Should be nice to everyone else. You humans have
Technology, but you still act badly to each other."

"You're not going to kidnap me into your flying-saucer, are you?"
"No. Do not be afraid, Earth woman. We are very peaceful.
Unlike some other alien species, we mean you no harm.
We must leave now. Our anti-detection devices are not always effective."

Hiding outside, the twins, unseen, sprinkled glitter over the chimp.
In the light coming from the bulb over the outside of the back door,
It looked like a teleportation effect, and the chimp jumped away.
The children heard distant sirens. They picked up their little friend.

Then, they sneaked away.
Just then, another plane passed in the distance,
And Mrs. Jones snapped some pictures of it.
"Good luck!," she yelled after the supposed saucer.

"Thanks for not hurting any of the cows!,"
The deputies heard as they surrounded the house
And made sure she was all right.
"Deputies!" she greeted them. "Thanks for coming!"

"We got here as soon as we could.
Where are they?," asked the Deputy who'd spoken to her on the phone.
"They just teleported themselves back to the mother-ship,"
She said. "I'm grateful they were good aliens and not bad ones."

Well, when the film got developed, it sure looked weird!
In fact, if you were trying to deliberately fake some photos
Of UFOs and aliens and all that, you'd be hard put
To doctor them up to look that believable. Especially with radiation blurring.

There were some other unintended consequences
Of the practical joke which the twins had played.
Mrs. Jones and some of her pictures
Got onto the front-pages of some well-known tabloids.

She was flying all over the place for a while,
As much as her husband, sometimes more.
She got on late-night programs and TV talk-shows.
She was on talk-radio all over the U.S., Canada, and Mexico!

Television shows devoted to mysterious events
Interviewed her and showed dramatic re-enactments
Of that strange night's occurrences.
There were even video-cassettes.

The alienesque, metallic-looking particles outside
Defied analysis. They quickly degraded till they were gone.
This spread more of an air of strangeness
Over the entire night of oddities.

Mrs. Jones had become a celebrity!
She gave most of the money from the photos and interviews and all
To various charities, including ones sponsored by the police.
And instead of being mean to children, now she's nice to everyone.

For free, she'll give guided tours of her house, the feed-lot,
And anything else anybody wants to see.
She invites people in and gives them lemonade.
And she gives lectures anywhere you want.

"Why the space people picked me, I don't know,"
She says, "But they wanted me to tell everyone
That all the technology in the world that we have today
Is no good to anyone unless we stop hating and start loving."

She also tells people, "We have to help those less fortunate
Than ourselves. So far, we've avoided having an all-out nuclear war.
So, we passed that test. Now, we have to get rid of the reasons for war.
When we've done that, we'll be ready to be welcomed by our alien friends."

And she adds, "But if we're selfish, spiteful, and petty,
The bad aliens will be able to enslave us and exploit us all.
So, whatever religion or politics you have,
You should be good to everyone and hurt no one."

The chimp was sent to a progressive primate research center,
Where he lives with others of his kind in harmony,
Being studied socially, and without any pain or stress.
They're not locked in little cages, and all the humans there are good to them.

The life of Mrs. Jones, so radically transformed,
Has stayed so full of love and purposefulness
That she will never go back to being
A prisoner in a mental cage she had made for herself.

How strange it is, that instead of staying a somewhat mean woman,
She was transmorgified into a popular celebrity,
Who turned her confusing experience into lessons
Of love, goodness, and charitable behavior.
 

Paul Harwitz - isis@isis-intl.com - http://www.isis-intl.com/
ISIS International - (307) 265-6196 / Fax (307) 265-6922